Dear Kurt
October 22, 2022
Dear Kurt,
My tippy-toes are swaying, and I am in our sacred place. The place where I feel close to you, to Daddy, to Kristen, to our Creator. I just took a deep breath. And I am grateful. Grateful to feel air inside my lungs and the beat in my chest. My eyes are closed, and my words press ink into the paper as my heart pours out.
Kurt, it will be 5-years that you have been in God's kingdom. And this has been an undertaking. This healing journey has been the birthing of my soul inside out. And I can't believe that 5 calendar years have been in rotation since the last time I touched you, heard your voice, or looked into your green eyes.
So much brutal and beautiful life has been birthed since. Where do I begin?
Our beautiful daughter. Kurt, she looks like you. She is intelligent, silly, kind, gentle, artistic, and fierce. Our girl is going places. She has just the right amount of sassy and sweet. And, oh my goodness, she has your mannerisms. Her eyes are turning green with just a hint of blue. And her hair has turned from delicate strawberry blonde curls to dark beachy waves, and when she stands in the sunlight, hints of auburn peek through. She has long legs and is just about as tall as me. I got about 1" on her. She is transitioning into a beautiful young lady. Ava loves volleyball, and RowDog is her "bubba." He follows her around just like a little brother wanting to be included in all of the 7th-grade adventures. She is going to Leawood Middle School this year. And she has a great group of friends whom she feels love and light. She did Cheer at LMS and attending a church youth group on Wednesday nights. She attended KANAKUK for the second summer with Hayden and Lily this summer and absolutely loved it! She gets to cultivate a deeper relationship with Christ and meet other friends from all over the Midwest there. She sleeps with "blankie" (shhhh...no one needs to know this). I think it makes her feel close to you. And, on her dresser is a picture of you and her that she keeps proudly displayed. And, every night before bed, we pray, and I tell her, "Jesus loves you, Momma loves you, and Daddy loves you." She misses you with all of her heart. She loves you. Deeply. And, I am doing my best to keep your spirit and legacy alive, dancing in her life. Because you didn't choose to leave Kurt, you fought, and I make sure she knows you never abandoned her. And when it's really hard, you find a way to show her that "Daddy is right here." The butterflies surround us, you kept your promise Kurt, and we will forever look for the small things all the days of our life. Keeping our eyes fixed on our Creator lightens the longing for you because it's the space where His sovereignty shines through, gifting us with glimpses of heaven peeking through. I think we are raising quite the young lady. Thank you for the way you spent your final heartbeats pouring your heart and soul into finding ways to show up here as her daddy and love her big. I can't even fathom what that took for you and blinking through salty tears, all my words can muster up is, "My God, thank you for choosing him for me and me for him."
Kurt, I graduated from the University of Saint Mary's with a M.A. in Counseling Psychology. And, I made The Porch Swing KC dream come true. Little did we know that where our healing began on the porch swing, it became the birthing place for your legacy, my story, and bringing glory to God's kingdom by serving others who, too, need a place of healing. After graduation, I launched my private practice, The Porch Swing KC. I am a provider as a psychotherapist specializing in grief, loss, trauma, and women's healing. We did it, Kurt. As you foreshadowed in your PS-I love you letters - I cultivated a platform for where my deepest pain turned into my purpose. My passion for people and sharing conversations, writing, and helping others heal has been birthed.
Kurt, it's been a journey. I met you when I was 15 years old. I was a child. Young and deeply in love with you. You were my very best friend. And I spent a total of 18 1/2 years of my 33 years of life at the time with you. That's still more than half of my life. I have quite the foundation of a love story. And I am proud of it. I wear those stripes proudly. And, I love you loudly and forever will. You are very alive inside my heart. Something I learned in my journey is that just because your physical body is not here, my love for you never had to stop either. My love for you is bigger and continues to grow, and not one day goes by where I don't think of you or feel your halo. You genuinely come alongside me on this side of heaven. And I smile because that is where the tenderness of missing you lightens. Because you, my Beloved Champion, are a light in my life, like a lamp at my feet.
I tipped my toe in the water of self-discovery. I am laughing out loud, Kurt, because I have made some colossal mistakes along the way. And, the thing is, I now see, it was all part of the plan all along. I needed those experiences to get me to the woman I am today. I learned that self-love is the root of what our Creator calls for His children. Love your neighbor as you love yourself has been so valuable. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart first. Then love your neighbor as you love *yourself.
I have tapped in deeply into a humble heart that believes in herself.
I understand my worth, values, boundaries, and preferences in this life. I know that my way is not the way. And that His way is the higher way. I broke up with "people-pleasing," "keeping the peace," and the need for "approval."
I also learned that when I keep my eyes fixed on the good, I see the good and repeat the good in all things. I understand that when my energy is low, or one of those salty grief waves rolls through, it doesn't mean I am not doing well on the hard days. It means I am human. It means I loved big. And it is my connection with my body/mind/spirit guiding me to slow down. Just like Pop's would say, "Sweetie, it is time for you to stop and smell the roses." That's when you will find me on the porch swing with a book, music, pen, paper, and a whole bunch of Jesus!
And, you know what, it is so good, this life is so damn good! I have learned that this life is THE occasion. What the heck have I been waiting for? All that anxiety. I broke up with it too. I am not a prisoner inside my body anymore. I trust our heavenly Father with all of my heart and try not to lean on my own understanding. Our bodies really do keep the score. But, my self-awareness tells me that I am 100% doing this! I know how to do hard things. And, I am convicted that all of what we went through, Kurt, none of it was wasted. It is doing something! And that mustard seed faith was all it took for me to keep going! Yeah, you, Kurt, you are the mustard seed faith. You showed up here as the living, breathing example of what it looks like to be the ripple effect here. And, your name, story, fortitude, and zest for life are still making waves here on this side of heaven! I'm smiling. And, I am proud of YOU!
Five Years my Beloved Champion. Kurt, life is the occasion. I have my moments. I do. But I am doing it. I am choosing to live my life with an abundance of gratitude, joy, happiness, and wholeness inside my heart. That, that type of healing, that is the 8th wonder of the world! And, I will forever marvel at the wonders of His healing and His ways. Healing hearts the way He does. I want to call that a "miracle." That's a modern-day miracle.
I love you with every single ounce of my human heart. Thank you for choosing very ordinary me to love very extraordinary you. I'm on my way, Kurt, just like you wished in PS-I Love You letter #5. You wrote it in exact formation, and the healing followed your halo. I've arrived. I found "me." You were right, "she is there - go find her again." My laugh is back, and my joy is in my hands, and my heart is whole, and I am enough just as I am, right where I am.
P.S. I love you! I love you all the way to heaven and back!
