P R O X I M I T Y

If there is something I am sure of, grief and loss demand to be seen. It just does. Human nature calls for proximity, belonging, connection, and community. And when the brain is under the salty waves of grief, all those neural networks that found meaning in the physical form go haywire.

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We know that *proximity is pivotal in relationships. We also know that we have some serious bonding agents, such as; oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, that all attribute to the reward of physical presence. That alone, *proximity, or what our bodies identify as "belonging," takes off like fireworks on the 4th of July when we pick up even the scent of our partner.

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Add in physical touch (hello, five love languages) oxytocin, the same feel-good neuromodulator released when a mother is nursing her baby, is the same bonding agent released during *any *type *of *physical *touch.

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Dr. John Bowlby studied what is called *Attachment *Theory. Our neurochemistry cultivates connection by *mirroring or synchronizing with one's partner. Studies found that when a woman was under an fMRI (measures blood flow) when alone, her limbic structures (houses fear) lit up (fight/flight/freeze). Next, when a stranger (i.e., a Nurse) was allowed in the room to sit by her, the fMRI showed decreased activation in the limbic system. Finally, her partner was allowed to join her by holding her hand in a chair next to her. The fMRI revealed that the entire limbic structure significantly decreased activation, and she was calm. Her partner's *physical *proximity was instrumental in self-regulation, comfort, and safety. She was no longer in a state of survival (fight/flight/freeze). She was what she felt was *safe!

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I don't know if Dr. John Bowlby and all of the other brilliant pioneers of psychology could quite recognize what they were doing here. Thank you to clinical psychology, neurology, and behavioral psychology; we know this to be true. In that case, we also understand that the brain, under the trauma of grief and loss, will 100% have to re-establish a new meaning of *closeness, *belonging, *connection, *community, and *proximity.

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Colleague Friends, remember your *value in contributing to the Client/Therapist relationship.

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If you have a friend or loved one navigating those salty grief waves, know that you do not need to know what to say or do. Simply being there - will be more than enough - you are enough.

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Remember to consider the importance of proximity and the value of your physical presence!

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